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Over Here Pondering Decisions and Choices

Do you ever just sit up late at night and wonder what the world would be like if you had made different decisions?

If you had decided to take that job that someone offered you or start that relationship that you thought was going to end badly. Choices that you had every opportunity to decide 100% on your own. Choices that were handed to you on a silver platter and all you had to do was lean left or right. Some people look back on the choices they’ve made with questions of what if or what could have been. I have to say I’ve fallen victim to those thoughts of time or two.

It’s amazing to me how one specific choice in life can send you a completely different path than you were on before. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy. I’ll spend hours through the night being unable to sleep thinking about what could have been, what should have been, or what I would have been able to do if I had made this decision or that decision. When in reality I wake up the following morning doing the exact same thing that I was expected to do in the first place.

I spend a lot of time trying to make different decisions, create different paths of success for my family and strike up new ideas that will allow us to earn a living without having to fight tooth and nail just to buy groceries.

And yet here I am once again, 9:00 p.m. at night lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep so I do not arrive late to the slave job I must go to in order to keep our lights on. Sitting on my medium app reading about the success that others have gained and being envious of such.

It’s not like I’m not productive or determined. Yet still, my growth is small. I find myself getting upset over things that I have no control over because of the expectations I set for myself at the beginning. Then it all comes full circle and I’m back to thinking about all the decisions that I could or should have made.

Sure, I could reside myself to the fact that my future is hell bent on doing work for someone else and aiding to someone else’s wealth… or I can continue to pursue my dream of one day earning for myself… on my terms. Having the ability to wake up in the morning and choose what it is I want to do. Being able to decide what path I want to go on next rather than having to do the same thing every day for years to come.

I also have those unrealistic thoughts that many others probably have as well. I think of the possibility of winning the lottery or one day becoming famous. Those are fleeting thoughts but are fun to have. I’ve even gone as far as thinking how I would maintain my life if those things were to come to fruition. Designing my new home, the things that I would purchase and how I would form my future in that life. It doesn’t take long for me to snap back to reality.

Either it is a scream from a young child, the ding of the dryer finishing my eighth load of laundry for the day or my alarm waking me up from my dream. You would think I would be mad, waking up in the life I was dreaming about changing, but I never am. I wake up, get dressed, and begin my day with an optimistic attitude. One day I will get to where I have always hoped to be.

I suppose only time will tell what my future holds. I keep reminding myself that I’m the writer of my story, I decide How It Ends. I just hope I don’t end up with the same ending we’re all so used to seeing. I hope that my ending turns heads, creates confusion, and inspires others.

🧡Shine Bright, Kayla

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